Dear Dr. Green,

Frustrated Mom

Dear F.M.,

When young children misbehave parents may feel uncomfortable and even embarrassed at times, especially if the misbehavior involves hurting another child. It is important to keep in mind that young children are just beginning to explore their environment. They are learning how to navigate themselves and how their actions affect those around them. Young children are curious and quick to pick up on exciting behaviors, whether good or bad. The role of the parent is to guide the child by reinforcing the positive behaviors and not reinforcing the negative ones, meaning those behaviors that the parent is interested in eliminating. What sometimes happens, though, is that the negative behaviors unintentionally get reinforced and therefore persist. In your letter you express your concern that neither short time outs nor explaining to your child why she should stop hitting other children has seemed to work. Often times, it is not that the approach is not working, but it just needs a little fine tuning. Parents are familiar with the term “time out,” placing a misbehaving child in a boring place so that the child can have some “alone time” to calm down and think about their transgression. However, if the removal of the child is not done properly, the parents can unintentionally reinforce the child to misbehave again. There are a number of factors that are necessary for time out to be effective. Time out works when it is done in a timely way, meaning close to the time of the misbehavior. It also needs to be done consistently, meaning, that whenever the child misbehaves in a particular way, the consequence is that the child is put in a time out. Experts suggest that the amount of time that the child spends in the time out be one minute for every year of the child’s age. Using a timer with a loud ring to set the time for the time out may be a useful tool for some parents. Finally, when reprimanding the child, the reprimand should be brief and to the point. The parent should speak in an even voice, expressing very little emotion. This final criterion is one that parents usually are not aware of and is what often causes the “time out” to be ineffective. When parents yell at the child about their transgression, they are unintentionally giving the child excessive attention. One of children’s main objectives at a young age is to get as much attention as they can from their parents. Positive attention is definitely better than negative attention, but children will take whatever attention they can get. By not being overly emotional when reprimanding the child, you are not giving the misbehaving child undo attention. This will eventually cause the child to stop that particular behavior and search for other behaviors that can bring about attention from the parent. When working on stopping an unfavorable behavior it is also important that the parent look for opportunities to catch the child being good and reward the child for the good behavior. This way you are reinforcing the behaviors that you would like to see in your child. Talking with your child about not hurting other children is also important. It is best when it is done not in the heat of the moment, but rather at a different time when both you and the child are calm and the child is more available to listen to what you have to say. With a child your daughter’s age the discussions should be brief and to the point. You may find it helpful to read a story to your child about the particular behavior they are struggling with. There are many wonderful children’s books that focus on different behaviors and teach children through story how to behave properly. With older children who misbehave the discussions can be more involved. The child should be encouraged to explain why they acted in a particular way, why it was wrong, and what they are going to do to ensure that they are not going to behave that way in the future. You may even choose to role play different scenarios to teach the child more appropriate ways of handling difficult situations. If the behavior also appears in school, you should speak with your child’s teacher so you can work together to insure that the behavior is addressed consistently both at home and at school. As with many childhood behaviors, they have a way of correcting themselves over time. Be patient, consistent, and calm and before you know it, the hitting will stop.

Wishing you all the best,

Dr. Green